Friday, March 30, 2012

Good Luck

I’ll just start by saying that I don’t buy lottery tickets. I should probably correct that statement by saying that I don’t usually buy lottery tickets because I’m liable to do almost anything every now and then. I’ve read all of the statistics and mathematical formulas about how bad the odds are against my winning, but I don’t think that is why I don’t buy them. I think it has more to do with the fact that buying the tickets is just one more thing to keep up with. After a few days in a row of buying them it would no longer be special. Feed the cat, pay the power bill, take a shower, but the lottery tickets… then do it all over again tomorrow! Lottery ticket Groundhog Day!

I did buy tickets today though; I bought $10.00 worth. Ten cash option quick picks! Sounds like I know what I’m doing, huh? Kind of like buying a starter for your car at the auto parts store; “Yeah, it is the four bolt under-mount type…core’s in the trunk but the brushes are gone”. It helps to know the language. But why would I buy tickets now if my chances are no better of winning $10 million than they are for winning $640 million? Either amount would change my life forever! I heard on the radio that I had a better chance of being killed by metal falling from an airplane than I did of winning the jackpot. That does kind of put it in perspective; I’ve never met a person that was hit with airplane trash; they must be very rare. I wonder what the odds are of being hit with airplane trash while walking in the store to buy a lottery ticket? I’m sure there are charts that document these numbers.

But the atmosphere on the radio and television is almost festive when the jackpot gets this high. It is always the top story and I love the footage of the ticket buyers waiting in line; the “what if” stories are great! I know I’m not the only one that (after buying the ticket) silently makes plans on how the money would be spent. I think we are all superstitious enough to think that by promising a huge dollar figure for some type of philanthropic venture we will increase our chances of winning, but I’m pretty sure the odds remain the same; very poor! I remember an interview with Tim Teebow about his praying before (and during) each game. He said of course he prayed but he was pretty sure that most of the members of the opposing team were praying with an equal fury! So when praying for a football win or a lottery jackpot I guess we all just cancel each other out!

Luckily if you have yet to purchase your winning ticket there is still time to do so before the drawing. I would like to add that if you decide to venture out on this Friday evening you might want to be extra careful; the clouds have moved in and it is beginning to rain. With rain often comes thunder and lightning and (believe it or not) your chances of being struck by lightning are much greater than purchasing the winning ticket! Good luck.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Knock-Knock

When I was growing up jokes about door-to-door salesmen were a big thing. This was way before telemarketers or email spam and I would have to say that I doubt most modern citizens are brave enough for sales the old fashion way; what a tough job! I will add that we lived so far out in the country when I was a kid that even the religious recruiters skipped us. I don’t know if it was the gauntlet of mixed breed mutts they feared running as much as just the sheer ground they would have to cover for their “magic one percent”, but either way, salesmen of this breed were (to me) simply a myth.

Things were a little different when I moved to town. I thought of this last week when out of the blue, in the middle of a weekday, my doorbell rang. When I looked through the front door sidelights I realized that one of the effects of my new deer fence was that I would now have to receive guests without first taking a look at the face that pressed the doorbell. Maybe I need a peephole because I don’t blame anyone for not opening a gate that bears a picture of a hand with electric lightning bolts emanating from all four sides! So I took a deep breath, assumed my very best “what the hell do you want face” and blindly opened the door.

The man standing in the garage was very well dressed; he wore a white shirt, dress pants and a nice tie. He had a big smile on his face…and a brightly colored pamphlet in his hand. He quickly said hello and gave me his three sentence pitch before I had a chance to utter a sound. He closed with “have a nice day” and turned to head for his car. Wow! How times have changed; no questions; no riddles and no pressure! As he drove away I almost felt sorry for him…almost. This was certainly not a group that I was used to seeing “phone in” a sales opportunity and it made me think of how different it was from my first experience.

I have to say that I don’t spend wasted energy hating on any group of individuals. If you don’t pound me and actually listen when I say I’m not interested, I’ll be polite too. But when I first moved to town for college, I had a door-to-door group that was in dire need of a little of my free training. They came every Saturday morning at 8:00 am and knocked on the door until someone responsed. I’m not really sure what compelled either me or my roommate to answer the door, but really there was no sleeping through the persistent knock. My roommate would usually just lie in the bed and cuss until I got up and answered the door, so given the fact that it appeared to be my responsibility, I came up with a plan of my own.

It was almost always the same two people; a lady of about 35 and a boy of about 12. They weren’t especially nice, but they always had a few questions to ask and some printed material to give me. They were wide awake and took advantage of the fact that they had just snatched me from dreamland because I usually just stood there and nodded my head. “Ok, thanks” was usually about all I had been able to come up with until the dreaded Saturday I decided to institute my plan!

I don’t remember what time I had gone to bed the night before, but given the time frame this day occurred (my college days) I’m sure I had yet to sleep off the previous night’s events. When I heard the knock the first thing I did was look at the clock; 8:06, right on time! My roommate was in full swear as I threw my legs off the bed and removed the clothes I had slept in, underwear and all! Quietly I walked to the door and opened it without making a sound. The lady never missed a beat; she locked eyes with me and they never strayed. She went through her pitch as though it was any normal Saturday and handed me the pamphlet. The little boy was another story! His gaze scanned me from head to toe and how he managed not to laugh can only be a testament to his training.

Well that was the last visit we ever had from this group. I would be afraid that if I pulled a stunt like that today hard time for indecent exposure would be involved, but it never crossed my mind at the time. I like to think that the lady dropped me from her Saturday route because she didn’t want to explain my actions and physical appearance to the little boy, but I take this stance because the only other option is one I choose not to consider; even divine intervention will be no help for this pitiful naked man!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

New Job

April 1 2012 will begin a new chapter for me. Most of my friends know that I’ve worked in a grant funded position for the University of Georgia as a field monitor for the federal government’s weatherization program since August 2010. When I took this position I knew that it would have a definite ending date, but honestly I just wanted relief from the stress of my current line of work. I went in to this job with my own personal pre-dispositions of government spending, but was very interested in the training for a new way of thinking about energy and conservation. Over the last two years my opinions of both have changed.

As a field monitor located in central Georgia, I was responsible inspecting the work done in nineteen counties. This seemed like a large area to cover at first, but it left the 140 remaining counties to be inspected by my co-workers. This group of men and women were as smart and hard working as any I’ve met, and genuinely cared how our tax dollars were being spent. Sadly at the end of the month most of them will be either un-employed or working somewhere else. Hopefully some will remain in this field and utilize the training they’ve received, but given the political cloud that shrouds energy usage and conservation, many will not.

I welcome any conversations reguarding the true face of the recipients of this program, and anyone that wants to know how to stop needlessly “donating” their hard-earned income to the utility companies is more than welcome to contact me. I have another blog full of low tech homeowner friendly energy saving tips, and links to other very technical blogs. (southernexposurega.blogspot.com)I can give you hard numbers from my personal home…weatherization works! But I mainly wanted to post this for the friends that knew I would be un-employed at the end of March and wondered which direction I would take. Luckily I am going to remain with The University of Georgia as the Coordinator of the program for the entire state!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Can I have it?

When I was a kid I remember a friend of mine walking up to me and showing off his new watch. It was really nice and very brand new; two qualities I had yet to possess in a watch. As he described all of the new and exciting features, he held his arm out for me to inspect the new treasure; he quickly pulled it back when I tried to touch it. After just about all I could take of his long-winded description of the watches unbelievable functions he asked me what I thought of it. “It’s nice” I said “Can I have it?”

I was a little kid when this happened, and while I knew he would never hand over his new watch, I already understood one important principle of life. You never know what you will get until you ask! It is of utmost importance that others know what you want and where you stand. Would I have taken his new watch had he agreed to hand it over? At that age I probably would have, but that’s not the point. He understood that I liked it and he knew I wanted it. I added value to his watch.

Now don’t think for a minute that I would suggest you telling someone in Walmart that their shoes don’t match their dress, or God forbid telling your spouse “Yes, that dress actually does make you look a little…chunky”. But if you like something-say something. If you want something-ask for it. If you want your spouse to take you out to eat…take them instead! The food will tastes as good and you will have exactly the same amount of fun. Do this and I would wager that you will receive an offer to return the favor soon. It’s okay to be mysterious, but don’t be a mystery; you will miss out on more than you know!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Routine


The alarm clock blares and you reach over to give it a silencing whack. You then roll over, hug the pillow to your face and close your eyes; you might even mumble a few choice words. After coming to terms with which actual day of the week it is, it begins to sink in; the list of things to do; the list of things you forgot to tell your housemates the day before; the things you put on the "manana" list. Daylight Saving time does compound the confusion, but really each morning is about the same! A slight sense of panic? Sometimes…usually.

I've been married a long time. Elvis was not alive, but cell phones still came in a bag, Michael Jackson looked like a human being and we didn't even know George H. Bush had a grown son. To say that we have been together long enough to have a routine is an understatement. Throwing in a baby 15 years ago was weird at first, but now I hardly remember what life was like before that. Time has a way of flying; routines are solidified; traditions are established. This may sound dull to some, but there is comfort in it as well.

One of things that has become very important to me in the morning is to keep the conversation light. You know the “we’re all in this together” routine; treat your family like they are the guys digging the ditch with you, not the man that made you dig it. I’m not going to solve any of my problems by including anybody else in them, and I really (if you don’t mind) don’t want to hear yours! If you ask for a favor or a good decision, your chances are slim of getting of good one of either at this time of day. “Have a good day! See you at lunch! Don’t work too hard!” Meaningless words or a pep talk; either is fine with me.

Other drivers that pass my vehicle on the way to school in the morning are probably convinced that my daughter and I have lost it. We talk about meaningless junk and often laugh most of the way. I know some of it is an act from both of us, but it’s our routine and we do it for each other. If I forgotten to ask her an important question the day before I usually skip it. If it can’t wait I try to make a joke out of it; I blame myself or some third party that can’t be reached. The day is going to get here soon enough and the more that we ease in to it, the better off we’ll both be. Contrary to popular belief, diving in to cold water does not make it easier to tolerate, and the heart attack factor probably triples!

Sometimes you will live forever without getting credit for an accomplishment, and if you are waiting for a thank you…well you better hang your hat on another peg. But when (out of the blue) your daughter says “You know…I’ve realized that the more we laugh in the morning…the better my day ends up being”, you know you’re on the right track! I love it when a plan comes together!

Monday, March 12, 2012

The New Time

I don’t consider myself a lazy person, but I will say that short of getting up to use the bathroom, this morning was the first time I’ve up before daylight in quite some time! It kills me when I hear people say that they never sleep in, “I’m up at 6:30 seven days a week! I don’t want to sleep my life away”. Let’s just say that I’m not one of those people. I don’t like to sleep really late, but I enjoy getting out of the bed on the weekends whenever I feel like it.

I used to be driven by early appointments with deer and fish. I have to admit that it’s hard to beat watching the sun come up across the lake and listening for the first bird to chirp on a frosty November morning is almost a religious experience, but waking up with no train to catch is…well let’s just say underrated. And…aren’t sunsets are nice too. I would be so tired from getting up early that it would ruin the rest of my day; I don’t want to sleep through the sunset!

I read an interesting article this morning pertaining to the institution of Daylight Saving Time. Ben Franklin was credited with the bright idea that it would save candles if the day had more daylight at the end of it instead of the beginning. I’m sure the deer and fish liked this idea as much as anyone because it made it more difficult for their pursuers to wake that early, but I wonder just how many candles it actually saved. Didn’t people get up at like 3:00 am back in those days? Milk the cow and split a cord of wood before the ten mile hike to work right? You had to get a candlelight start.

But last night as I lie in the bed trying to be tired an hour earlier than usual, I had a thought. I remembered how excited I was before those big fishing trips and how hard it was to sleep the night before. I remembered waking up three or four times checking the clock to be sure I hadn’t over slept the big hunting trip; I remembered the dread I felt for getting up an hour earlier for the “new time”. I decided that maybe it’s not the getting up earlier that makes us so tired, it’s the anticipation and the dread!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Stick

I know by writing this I will be officially filling out my application for “geezer-dom”, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed by how times have changed. I grew up with stories of shoeless hikes up icy inclines by individuals that were so determined to reach their unheated one room school house that they often left their lunch bucket containing a single piece of lard coated cornbread to ruin by the wood stove! This was certainly compounded by their having to leave in the morning before daylight to accomplish the 20 mile roundtrip and possible Indian or bear attack, but they were a determined group. Sounds crazy huh? Well even when I was very young I understood that although these stories were somewhat of a stretch, I did have an easier life than my predecessors…and I was grateful.

I thought of this yesterday as I watched two boys of nine or ten cruising the smart phone display at Walmart. I eavesdropped as they discussed the pros and cons of each model in a way that would have made Bill Gates or Steve Jobs proud! Ok, it did make me feel kind of stupid as well, but given the fact that I only learned to text a few years ago, it really wasn’t that hard for them to lose me. I’m ok with all of the technology that is available today and honestly I love it! But watching a kid of this age use a palm sized computer that is more powerful than the ones NASA had only a short time ago still amazes me. To think that they would like to go outside and play cowboys and Indians like we did makes about as much sense today as them playing…tree surgeon!

But that’s what we did. For the most part we played outside with little more than a few sticks and some imagination. I will admit that with all of the cool gadgets available to kids today this sounds boring, but we enjoyed it. Given the fact that it was now so much warmer than it was in my grandfather’s day, and that we had shoes to wear while we rode the bus to heated school that served a hot lunch, we were pretty sure we had it made! Ok, we didn’t know any better, but there was bliss in our ignorance.

It would be hard to pretend that your normal outside stick was a 4G- phone or a Play Station lll, but luckily we didn’t have to imagine that. Oh, if you want a stick, a real stick, you can order a Harry Potter magic wand online; I’ve seen them and they are probably better than a regular stick. Ours were guns, swords and every now and then, a magic wand; a universal poking stick. But I really think the key point here is that we used our imaginations to determine exactly what the stick would be. There was no way to be wrong, or lose. They weren’t preloaded with software, and a competition for a high score was not possible. Yes, the graphics were horrible! We couldn’t sit a few feet apart and text or email each other with the sticks; we were reduced to actual conversation. I often wonder how we survived.

Don’t get me wrong, I think all of the technology available today is wonderful. When the kids of today are my age they will be the smartest ever and I can only imagine what they will come up with; this excites me. But I think a little down time with no more than a stick and your imagination is invaluable. Batteries not included; some assembly required.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

An Honest Man

I've always thought of maternal grandfather as an honest man. Of course that was probably clouded by the fact that most of see our grandparents in a hero-worship kind of way, but that was just the impression I had of him; still do. It could be argued that the generation he came from was more honest than people are now, but I really think that no matter what era you are from there are good ones and bad ones; the honest and the dishonest.

When I realized this morning that my bagel was taking forever to toast because I had placed it on my plate instead of in the toaster, I began to wonder about the rest of my day. I had already asked my daughter the same question three times on our trip to school (I caught myself the third time) and had to stop in the middle of brushing my teeth to turn my shirt right side out two hours after I dressed! Should I just stay inside and look out the window the rest of the day? Stay away from the sharp knives in the silverware drawer?

By now I’m sure you are wondering what exactly this has to do with my honest grandfather. Not much really, but it made me think of a story he told me years ago. My grandfather had several jobs in his long life, but the one that I remember him having the longest was as an insurance salesman for Life Of Georgia. Not the kind that sits in front of a computer screen all day giving quotes, but the old fashion policy man that went door to door selling and collecting money for small accident and hospitalization polices. They were pretty cheap by today’s standards and many of his premiums were so small they were paid for with coins. This doesn’t sound that dangerous today, but given the fact that he did this in downtown Atlanta makes it another story.

Anybody that has ever been a salesman (or self-employed period) knows that taxes take on a new meaning when they are not magically removed from your paycheck every month. You fear the tax man in a different way! Instead of sending in a few pages and waiting by the mailbox for your refund, a self-employed person has to write the government (typically) another check several times a year. The paperwork is much more involved and the margin for error is much greater. You live in fear of your worst nightmare, an audit! This doesn’t mean that the IRS has to prove you owe them more money, it means you have to prove to them that you do not. Guilty until proven innocent!

Well my grandfather was called to a downtown IRS office for an audit. He was a good record keeper and had no trouble with the preparation involved, but this is still a situation that makes an individual very nervous. He was on time for his appointment and they called him in to a back office with several (he said 5-6) men in dark suits already seated at a large table. My grandfather was a “sweater” and I can only imagine that he was, at this point, dripping wet. They motioned for him to sit, and he placed his box of records on the table. That’s when the lights went out!

Well let’s just say his lights went out; he passed out. The next thing he remembered after sitting at the table was a group of men in dark suits standing over him as he lay on the floor. They were fanning him with one of his folders and offering him a glass of water. “Can you hear us Mr. Fort? Drink this water; it will make you feel better. Stay with us!” He was ok, but the game was over; they sent him home with a “we’ll be in touch”.

Well he never heard from the IRS again. If he is anything like me, I’m sure he was even more careful with his paperwork after this near-miss; we’ll call it a training exercise. But what it makes me understand is that we are only given what we can handle. It would be easy to say that his body failed him when he needed it most, but I say it saved him. Not from is dishonesty, but from harm’s way; he was not ready for this. We should never forget to listen for subtle clues we are given by our body and our “gut”. Of course I have always planned to fake pass out if I get audited, but that’s another story. Damn, I left the iron plugged in…

Monday, March 5, 2012

Another Peavy Story

Living on a dirt road “out in the middle of nowhere” in Wilkinson County meant you never knew what to expect. Drunks love the perceived safety of a dirt road and while the good ones would just pull off to the side and drink, the bad ones would run in the ditch and use your mailbox post to pry (or attempt to pry) themselves out! Really this was better than their knocking on the door to see if you had a tractor to right their overturned car, but that is another story. Let’s just say that even if you turn it back over for them you still don’t have the right to request that they not practice their dirt track racing on your road. If you exercise this right you might just find your mailbox used for purposes other than receiving mail.

One Sunday morning as were leisurely finishing breakfast the phone rang. This was one of the few mornings that I didn’t get work calls so I decided to answer it. It was my brother, and after making small talk he suggested I ride down the dirt road to Peavy’s house and see what was happening. It didn’t sound important, but I had the feeling he was holding something back. He wanted my wife and daughter to come too so I really tried to get a reason from him that I could sell to the girls. “Ya’ll just come” was all he would say. As I hung up the phone and tried to think of a good sales pitch to convince them to come with me, the phone rang again. It was once again my brother and all he said was “Oh, and bring your camera”. I didn’t need to sell them any further and we loaded up!

When I pulled up in front of Peavy’s gutted singlewide trailer I found my brother and a couple of his buddies standing in the yard. They all had strange looks on their faces, but it didn’t seem like anything was really wrong. I guess “smirks” on their faces was more like it. “Where’s Peavy?” I asked as they all looked at their feet; nobody wanted to answer. Then I heard this awful growling noise coming out of the open front door of the trailer. It sounded like a cross between a bear and an injured cow. “What the hell was that?” I asked as my brother as he and his friends tried desperately not to laugh. “Sounds like something is killing Peavy!” My brother tossed me a roll of duct tape and said “Go check it out”.

To say that I was just a little scared as I walked in the front door is an understatement; I was terrified! The only walls remaining in the singlewide were the bathroom walls (he had gutted the house so a woodstove would heat everything) and that was where the growling was coming from. As I inched my way forward I could hear Peavy cussing every time the monster growled. “Be still you son-of-a-bitch” was all I could make out, but as scary as the sound was it did sound like Peavy had the upper hand. I poked my head inside the open door halfway expecting something to jump out or drag me in, but Peavy was in the bathtub on the far wall. He was lying down in the tub with a knife in one hand and a 6 ½ foot alligator in the other!

For a minute I thought the alligator was still alive. Every time Peavy would stick him with the knife, the animal would open his mouth and bellow. I now understood that the duct tape I was holding was to keep the alligator from biting him, but I was scared to get any closer! After showing me the bullet holes in the animal’s head and assuring me that he was dead, I could finally manage a laugh. The image of a grow man in a trailer bathtub fearlessly bear hugging a growling alligator is one that I will never forget! It’s as funny now as it was then.

Of course they read me the riot act when I got back outside. Turns out I have the reputation for talking too much and they were convinced that I would let the story of an illegally killed alligator slip out to the wrong person; I held my tongue for years. Sadly all parties involved are now dead and that is the only reason I can now let it out! I don’t condone the killing of protected animals, but I will say that sighting an alligator in this area was not an uncommon event. Oh, and the fried gator tail he produced was delicious!

James Peavy


I’m sure that those of you who knew this man longer than I did could tell more Peavy stories than me, but I will say that for the short time I knew him he made a big impression on me. He could tell a personal story dead-pan that would both curl your hair and leave you in stitches, and if it was your first encounter with him…scare you! His untimely death came so close to that of my brother’s that I often wonder if they just couldn’t stand being apart.

I had a hard time deciding which story to tell and honestly I may just write down all that I remember while they are fresh in my mind. Let me start by saying that I learned quite a few valuable things from him.

1. A dirt angel is just as pretty as a snow angel, and not nearly as uncomfortable to make.

2. A rattlesnake can be killed without a mark on him if you just “knock him in the head”.

3. Having your wallet on a chain comes in handy; you never know when you might have to put around your neck a wade across a beaver pond.

4. If you find more than one dead body you might not want to tell the authorities about the second one. It makes you look guilty of something.

5. A great way to limit your drinking is to store your supply at somebody else’s house that is too far away to walk.

Really I could go on with these tips forever, but if I do I’ll never get to a story. Anybody that knew Peavy very well had probably had a taste of his homemade liquor at least once. I would like to say that it was good, but let’s just settle for powerful! One sip was good; two sips meant a nap. I watched several people learn this lesson the hard way and end up making a dirt angel face down.

One night when we were sitting around a campfire I asked him what he used to make his home brew. I had visions of mules and whole kernel corn and feed sacks, but was a little surprised by his response. “I just go to the Piggly Wiggly when I can get a ride. They have everything you need”. Seemed like a pretty good way to get caught I thought, but I listened as he continued his story. “I walked up to the check-out counter with a buggy full of corn meal and sugar and the little girl working there asked me what I was going to do with all of this stuff. Without cracking a smile I said we’re having a pancake supper down at the church. You sure ought to come”!

She smiled as she took his money and never thought of it again. That’s just how Peavy was, he could tell you it was dark in the middle of the day and you would believe him. I guess the little check out girl wasn’t much of a cook because everybody knows cornmeal doesn’t make very good pancakes, but it will make some powerful moonshine! We still miss you James Peavy.





R

Thursday, March 1, 2012

My time is too valuable!

I sometimes wonder just how much smoother the road to my advanced age would have been if I was not such an opinionated person. I can make all of the guesses I want, but this will have to be placed in the category of “we’ll never know”! But I try very hard to be fair and listen to the opinions of others and believe it or not (for those who really know me) I often change my mind. Often is a word I seldom use…okay I digress in to song lyrics, but really, I do.

I use Facebook and Pinterest on a regular basis as a way to view what others are thinking; I think it helps ground me. It could be argued that there is not a lot of original thought on FB, and while this is often true, there is if you really look. Turns out that there are links to thousands of blogs that you would have otherwise never known existed! My family probably thinks that this is the last thing I need; more blogs to read and more internet time, but I go on several sites that interest me almost every day. Real Estate, energy and cooking to name a few, and I admit that I am constantly amazed by people. Amazed can mean many different things; “Wow you’re a genius” or “Wow, you’re an idiot”. Both are legitimate forms of amazement.

This morning I got caught up in a thread on a business site (the name of the trade is withheld to protect the innocent) that I visit most every day. They give points for blogging (and just visiting the site) and have created a core group that will rip you to shreds for having an opinion that they deem not good for business. This blogger went into great detail about how he had checked out one of the new social media sites and just couldn’t see how it was going to get him any new business. He was worried about posting protected images and really “his time was too valuable to waste on this new site”. Turns out our time has a price tag! Amazed again!

But really I understand that our time is valuable; we do have a limited amount. But I say that if your life and your job are one in the same, you need more life. I understand that we should throw ourselves in to our jobs, you have to or you won’t give it your all. But I also know that people (and business) will respond to you better when you are being yourself. “Well I am insert business here”. I’ve heard this one a million times and I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, but ask your kids who you are; ask your spouse who you are; see if that is the answer they give. If it is…you need more life.